I wrote this FB post today:

As I read and re-read the comments, the post itself, and listened to the song (on repeat as not to lose the feeling) I thought about the practicality of it all. I wondered how I could carry this through my everyday.  To be a warrior, unshaken by all the madness around me. I didn’t want this to be one more post that I got out of my system, that I could highlight on my timeline and revisit when I needed a boost. I need this to be real, tangible air that I breathe day in and day out.

Most days I wake in the morning, and stare down my day through exhaustion & bewilderment. How sad is that? How sad has that been….and, oh Lord…for how long?

This morning’s post was exhilarating, empowering and sobering. To remember the feeling of being ABLE. I have always been that, able, and for the most part I was gifted with the ability to know who I was fighting against day in and day out on a spiritual level. That was real to me. That is how I saw the world, the people around me & the circumstances that defined the borders of my life. To defeat my enemy by supporting those around me with unconditional love, was my existence.

As time marched on, me being able and all, I began taking matters into my own hands (I was just doing my part). Being able, I planned futures, “fixed” lives, provided foundations, gave perspective, “rescued” the lost. Over time it turned from a calling to a personal responsibility. Some would argue those are the same or similar. But you know what the difference is? A calling is something that is divine and God-given that you heed to. Responsibility is something that we own, control & are accountable for. It is inward. It’s also exhausting…especially in this world we live in now. Flashes of perfection & comparison in others lives as we scroll away the hours of our own.

Man, can you imagine…we are just like the Israelites in the desert. God gave them a calling & directive….they were able. So able in fact that over time they began to “own” their calling….turning it into THEIR responsibility. Making plans & deciding things that were not theirs. Not trusting, not communicating, not leaning on the only One who was guiding their path all along. Some eventually reached the Promised Land….but so many died before they got to experience His gift. He didn’t ask them to go all that way to Canaan, set up a conference and then decide what to do. He equipped them before their journey even started. He gave direction to His people, who were able. THROUGH HIS POWER. Not their own.

Listen y’all. I get it. Its hard. It’s a slow fade but you have to watch for it, be open to His re-direction and humble enough to absorb & move forward. Most days I’m just praying that I’m doing the right thing, making the right decisions, loving the right way, holding my integrity & character in check, and hoping it will all reveal itself in time. And it does…one way or another. But what if we were to TRUST instead of worry. Seek peace instead of plan it. Give ourselves the gift of fresh perspective instead of replays that devour our thoughts & hijack our ability to remain decent human beings. Come on! We’re ABLE.

I have to remember – especially when the wolf isn’t simply at the door, but has knocked it down, pinned us to the ground and with snarling teeth embedded – that I don’t belong here. This is not my home. These people are not whom I choose to please. This life is on loan. We’ve been distracted so easily. SO. EASILY. Yes we have to live here, just as the Israelites had to take the journey. However, we determine the journey itself through the power of free will.  THAT is His gift to us. It was His gift to them even. You have to participate though. The word doesn’t instruct us to just put on our Armor when we think danger is near. Dear one – HE IS NEAR. He is here. ALWAYS. So what does that mean? That we are to be on alert AT ALL TIMES.

Here: read it for yourself….

EPHESIANS 6:10-20 | The Armor of God

10 | Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 | Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 | For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 

13 | Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 | Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having  put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 | and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 | in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  17 | And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 

18 | With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints, 19 | and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel, 20 | for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in proclaiming it I may speak it boldly in proclaiming it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

The last two decades of my life have been spent trying to define what I thought God wanted for me and those around me. Full time ministry was the pinnacle of that vision, in my mind. And He allowed it. He brought forth purpose from my decisions and the path I walked along. Now that I’ve had my turn trying to understand and carry out my version, He is patiently waiting for me to follow His.

There came a point in that vast timeline that I became dependent on the validation it carried being amidst the beautiful chaos that was my life. It became an addiction, the performance. Not because I was always striving (which I was), rather, that I was actually good at it. The choices, the tasks, the conversations, the relationships built – were easy for me to do. They were my heart. They still are. The issue lay with the transition between doing for myself rather than others.

Let me unpack that. As far back as my mind can reach, I have felt compelled to be and do something greater than the myself. God implanted in my soul to become selfless. So at the seasoned age of 18 I set out on a seekers journey trying to grasp the scope of that urge. Being a pretty ambitious self-stater by nature I began drawing out the notes of the song that played in my heart. Ranging from feeding the homeless to an insurgence of collective souls bringing justice to darkness, my thoughts finally settled on the fact that I needed to plant myself right in the midst of ministry. After all- thats where all the action was. I didn’t have to reinvent the wheel, I just needed to find one that fit my revolutionary ideas. So, I searched. And searched. And searched. And you know what I found? Nothing. For quite sometime, I found nothing. While in the middle of my career developing years, raising my boyfriend’s little brother and helping my friends who ran into trouble often, I searched for a place to do ministry. I really wanted it to be a place where progressive life change was happening.

What’s the phrase? Forest for the trees? I was right there. In the vast forest of trees. Searching for what was right in front of me. Over 10 of those forest filled years I found 3 different ministries to put my good ideas to use. Two failed church plants and then a very large, very successful, very empowering, change the world ones. I set out to DO everything my heart had knitted together for the last two decades. I did and did, and strived and worked, and bled myself dry trying to bring forth that feeling of accomplishment for His Kingdom. All the while putting my now husband’s little brother through Jr. High, High School, College, countless proms and homecomings, fighting alongside him and others to find the best versions of themselves – not allowing the negative circumstances to sway their self-judgment. Fighting for my marriage, my dreams, MY version of what my life was to look like. After all, Nike said it best. Just DO IT. Yet it yielded dry fields of resentment, questioning, self-doubt, depression, and shame.

Performance is an endless chase that is never won. Why? Alone with my darkness the questions piled up. They kept gnawing at what was left of my pride. Why waste my time if You weren’t going to allow me to have it? Why lead me down a path that was going to bring me heartache? Why even gift me with these things if you don’t allow me to use them? I cannot see, but I feel. I cannot hear, but I can listen. I was doing neither.

He waits. For a long time if necessary. Now I’m here. 36, a business owner, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend to few. I’m exhausted, disheveled, hopeless, bereaved, empty, angry, broken and bare. Right where He needs me to be to do what He has for my life. The only thing I have left is to reach to Him. Food doesn’t fill. Things don’t bring joy. Time doesn’t heal. Rage doesn’t fix. Nothing will heal this level of brokenness except the power of Jesus Christ.

You may be asking: “If you helped all of those people during that time doesn’t that bring satisfaction to your vision of ministry for the people?”. Let me first say, that I am immensely proud that I raised a kid, when I was one; that I was known the be the friend you can count on; that I worked hard and helped others whenever I could. However, I missed it. I was looking so far past my own circumstances to find joy & purpose in helping others that I retained no joy doing it in my everyday life. It, sadly, was almost a pesky fly I swatted at impeding my progress towards the greater good. I missed it.

So here we are. A new beginning. A fresh slate to write the coming days of joy & peace. And I’m starting right where I left off. At the feet of my King. Who knows no sorrow. Who quenches the soul. Who rights the wrongs. Who is fighting for me even when I’m angry with Him. A King that has been waiting on me to let go of my version of life so that He can give me LIFE. I’m taking it one day at a time. One moment at a time. One interaction at a time. One pleading prayer at a time. I RISE. A daughter to the Utmost High. A child of the one true and MIGHTY GOD. Let me encourage you if you are reading. Just because I’m typing these words does not mean I feel happy, or empowered, or inspired even. I am simply acknowledging my pain and inability to fix it. I am ready to hand over my pile of ashes and wait patiently on His plan to make me beautiful. Join me in this journey of self-discovery and ask yourself one question. Am I WHO He says I am?