The last two decades of my life have been spent trying to define what I thought God wanted for me and those around me. Full time ministry was the pinnacle of that vision, in my mind. And He allowed it. He brought forth purpose from my decisions and the path I walked along. Now that I’ve had my turn trying to understand and carry out my version, He is patiently waiting for me to follow His.

There came a point in that vast timeline that I became dependent on the validation it carried being amidst the beautiful chaos that was my life. It became an addiction, the performance. Not because I was always striving (which I was), rather, that I was actually good at it. The choices, the tasks, the conversations, the relationships built – were easy for me to do. They were my heart. They still are. The issue lay with the transition between doing for myself rather than others.

Let me unpack that. As far back as my mind can reach, I have felt compelled to be and do something greater than the myself. God implanted in my soul to become selfless. So at the seasoned age of 18 I set out on a seekers journey trying to grasp the scope of that urge. Being a pretty ambitious self-stater by nature I began drawing out the notes of the song that played in my heart. Ranging from feeding the homeless to an insurgence of collective souls bringing justice to darkness, my thoughts finally settled on the fact that I needed to plant myself right in the midst of ministry. After all- thats where all the action was. I didn’t have to reinvent the wheel, I just needed to find one that fit my revolutionary ideas. So, I searched. And searched. And searched. And you know what I found? Nothing. For quite sometime, I found nothing. While in the middle of my career developing years, raising my boyfriend’s little brother and helping my friends who ran into trouble often, I searched for a place to do ministry. I really wanted it to be a place where progressive life change was happening.

What’s the phrase? Forest for the trees? I was right there. In the vast forest of trees. Searching for what was right in front of me. Over 10 of those forest filled years I found 3 different ministries to put my good ideas to use. Two failed church plants and then a very large, very successful, very empowering, change the world ones. I set out to DO everything my heart had knitted together for the last two decades. I did and did, and strived and worked, and bled myself dry trying to bring forth that feeling of accomplishment for His Kingdom. All the while putting my now husband’s little brother through Jr. High, High School, College, countless proms and homecomings, fighting alongside him and others to find the best versions of themselves – not allowing the negative circumstances to sway their self-judgment. Fighting for my marriage, my dreams, MY version of what my life was to look like. After all, Nike said it best. Just DO IT. Yet it yielded dry fields of resentment, questioning, self-doubt, depression, and shame.

Performance is an endless chase that is never won. Why? Alone with my darkness the questions piled up. They kept gnawing at what was left of my pride. Why waste my time if You weren’t going to allow me to have it? Why lead me down a path that was going to bring me heartache? Why even gift me with these things if you don’t allow me to use them? I cannot see, but I feel. I cannot hear, but I can listen. I was doing neither.

He waits. For a long time if necessary. Now I’m here. 36, a business owner, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend to few. I’m exhausted, disheveled, hopeless, bereaved, empty, angry, broken and bare. Right where He needs me to be to do what He has for my life. The only thing I have left is to reach to Him. Food doesn’t fill. Things don’t bring joy. Time doesn’t heal. Rage doesn’t fix. Nothing will heal this level of brokenness except the power of Jesus Christ.

You may be asking: “If you helped all of those people during that time doesn’t that bring satisfaction to your vision of ministry for the people?”. Let me first say, that I am immensely proud that I raised a kid, when I was one; that I was known the be the friend you can count on; that I worked hard and helped others whenever I could. However, I missed it. I was looking so far past my own circumstances to find joy & purpose in helping others that I retained no joy doing it in my everyday life. It, sadly, was almost a pesky fly I swatted at impeding my progress towards the greater good. I missed it.

So here we are. A new beginning. A fresh slate to write the coming days of joy & peace. And I’m starting right where I left off. At the feet of my King. Who knows no sorrow. Who quenches the soul. Who rights the wrongs. Who is fighting for me even when I’m angry with Him. A King that has been waiting on me to let go of my version of life so that He can give me LIFE. I’m taking it one day at a time. One moment at a time. One interaction at a time. One pleading prayer at a time. I RISE. A daughter to the Utmost High. A child of the one true and MIGHTY GOD. Let me encourage you if you are reading. Just because I’m typing these words does not mean I feel happy, or empowered, or inspired even. I am simply acknowledging my pain and inability to fix it. I am ready to hand over my pile of ashes and wait patiently on His plan to make me beautiful. Join me in this journey of self-discovery and ask yourself one question. Am I WHO He says I am?